I once went on three dates with a guy I had absolutely no interest in. Why? Was it because I was using him to prop up my admittedly brittle self-confidence? No. Because I wanted a free dinner? No (I prefer to pay my half - the dates didn’t take place in 1853). Was it because I have a deep misandrist grudge, and was taking out my maladjusted daddy issues on this perfectly nice — if simply incompatible — man? No.
It was for a much worse reason than all those. I did not know how to tell the man I wasn’t interested without feeling responsible for his emotional reaction to that information. The longer it went on, the less justifiable my behaviour became, and the more I feared his judgement. Every time I went to fulfil my basic human obligation to be honest with this person, nothing came out. I self-censored into a situation which robbed us both of our agency, and wasted both our time because I did not know how to feel justified in telling the truth and was ultimately too cowardly to do it. By the time I was honest with him, he naturally presumed ill intent on my part; that I had only entertained him for:
a confidence boost
a
freedinner companion (due to a possible phobia of eating alone in restaurants?)because I hate men/my dad left (an accusation which was only half true, I might add)
because I am clinically insane
Yes - I really messed that one up.
However, as I wrote in my last column, we all censor ourselves all the time. Sometimes this harms others, but it almost always harms ourselves. You do it several times a day, every day. You don’t give your friend honest feedback in order to spare their feelings. You stay quiet when colleagues discuss their weird political opinions as though you agree with them. You shut your mouth to keep various kinds of short-term ‘peace’ at the possible expense of your comfort or sanity.
I hope you’ll come along this to our weekly chat for paid subscribers via the Substack App this evening between 19:30 and 20:30 (UK/Irish Time). We’ll be discussing self-censorship - when it is healthy and kind, when it is self-destructive cowardice, and how to become the sort of person who can say what they think when needed without transforming into an insufferable narcissist.
If you’re new, do come and introduce yourself. We have a lovely group of people from around the world who drop in each Tuesday. Sometimes it’s bustling, and sometimes it’s an intimate group, but astonishingly it’s never yet just been me talking to myself. You’ll find access to the chat under the paywall below. You can subscribe here for access, as well as access to the Peak Notions archive, bonus and audio content, and my eternal gratitude for supporting my work:
See you this evening between 7:30pm and 8:30pm (UK/Irish time)!
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