Thank you for this thoughtful post, and also for the chapter in your book, which educated me on different waves of feminism. I am, undoubtedly, a second wave feminist, and treat some later developments with suspicion, seeing them as dangerous cherry-picking. It is ironic that in my research I sometimes end up writing about gender equality (cannot escape an elephant in the room when it lights up in the data), but at the same time, all my professional life I wished that my gender was a non-significant variable. I always wanted to be just a thinking and feeling human being.
I am finding it challenging to know exactly where I stand on this so, as usual, it’s great food for thought. I’ve never really identified as a feminist but more out of lack of exposure / effort. Despite this, I think I have subconsciously absorbed it as the default so that is interesting to consider. I also do find my entire existence coded through the lens of my gender, not only but especially as a mother. I’ve always had the privilege of being comfortable with my gender but struggled with traditional gender roles. I never fit within or without and thankfully my partner has no interest in performing them either. We have a reverse tradition gender role household because that is what feels right for us as individuals. Lots to chew on here, bumping off the edges of a concept I’ve been steeped in so deeply for all of my existence. The audio of these are just brilliant… they always make me laugh - the off the cuff notes, humor and nuance there really give the columns a whole other dimension.
I will say that I relate to much of what you say here and as a woman who also has felt for most of my life that traditional gender roles and tropes just don’t fit, I really have no choice but to consider my gender the least interesting thing about me. I am absolutely failing to meet gendered expectations in several really key areas of my life - if I cared deeply about gender, that probably either wouldn’t be the case (I’d prioritise meeting these expectations, if resentfully) or I would be utterly miserable in the knowledge that my life does not look how other people expect it to!
I can understand ambivalence about the movement of feminism, I would have to define it for myself before agreeing to be described as one and you make a lot of good points there.
The experience of gender is something different. I have had a visceral reaction every time you've said that gender is the least interesting thing about you, maybe because it feels so dismissive?
I think a lot of women, myself included, find that gender presses on our lives and not in an online discourse sense but in a very physical, burdensome, exhausting way. A lot of this comes from the difference between feminist success in public life and some serious deficits in the private life. Pregnancy and birth in North America bring you face to face with your sex-based differences. It is one thing to have abortion rights, it is another to be treated as a full person with agency in birth or with your newborn.
Parenthood brings into sharp focus that you and your male partner or brothers are not having the same experiences, and that this is expected and accepted by the people around you. Caregiving falls on women and is dismissed by the people around you as a real responsibility or work while you are held to exacting standards. Being primarily responsible for children makes you more vulnerable in your relationship and complicates the dynamic, introducing a real power imbalance into what was an equal partnership.
I work in a caregiving profession, and it is very clear to that there are still complex gendered power structures in place that negatively impact primarily women. Consider which professions receive payment for their education and which are unpaid, fulltime practicums.
I think this obsession with gender and the female experience has come from the vision young women were raised with vs the experience they are having. I used to think that gender was dead and irrelevant and it was something that I wouldn’t engage in. Now I am married, a mother, and a woman in a caregiving profession, I find that gender is everywhere, all the time, and it is used to pull more and more out of me than I am capable of or willing to give. This pressure comes from my family, strangers, society, and as there is real responsibility involved, I can’t always say no or exercise agency. It is almost impossible for someone to acknowledge that their expectations for you are higher and more unreasonable than for themselves or others. It is also apparently impossible for others to recognize that they could lighten your burden by taking on some of it for themselves, or even that you have a burden. The expectation seems to be that your individual self will be swallowed by the needs of everyone around you and that is a-ok.
Since we are post-feminist revolution, it is also not considered to be a real experience, mostly just whining and refusing to be grateful.
I would argue that as women have gained more in public life, it has made being female more complicated and thus, more interesting or relevant. More options, more responsibility, more complexity, more discourse.
I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said Avery. I don’t think anything in the article suggests the challenges you list here don’t exist. And as a woman who is alive on earth I am not in any way immune to them. I don’t live a genderless life.
I think gender is not in itself important. We live in a world which treats it as though it is, though in less restrictive ways than it once did (which is not to say there are no restrictions now). The fact that my statement ‘feels dismissive’ is precisely what I’m exploring in this column. What that feeling means. What it is rooted in, and what we might understand from the complex history of ideas from which it emerges. It can feel dismissive without being dismissive, and I’d argue that’s the case.
A great read and perspective, Laura! The hyper focus on gender and the various other identity labels society vehemently and vociferously insists are the most important thing (and then get so angry when, surprise surprise, we don't fit into the little box of what that thing is supposed to be according to them) is just exhausting and frustrating. I can't tell you the number of times this came up in art school, for example, where over and over we all have to "learn to navigate" what it means to be a "[fill-in-the-blank] artist." Can't we just be.... an artist? Do I have to be a feminist artist or does my work by definition comment on the female experience because I am female? (Spoiler alert: mine didn't)
When reading your essay, I was reminded of Dorothy Sayer's speech "Are Women Human?" You are most likely familiar with it, but I thought I'd give it a shout here. First - it's hilarious and biting, so it can be a particularly delightful read. My biggest takeaway from her points is that, yes categories exist and they are necessary when they are necessary. But they are not relevant all of the time. Use them when they are relevant and ignore them when they are not.
In this regard, your note that gender should be the least important thing about us is spot on! There are times when these things matter and we should be ok talking about those with nuance. But often, these things just don't matter! Are we human or not? Maybe that matters more than anything these days.
I love this Emilie. That’s precisely the point. Identity labels are absolutely asphyxiating when they dictate the entirety of who we were, are, could ever be. There are plenty of instances in life where we should be able to set them aside and just be. I think a guaranteed route to insanity would be a life that never allowed us the freedom to do this.
Others can consider us gender-first every moment of our lives (and will, particularly with women), but while we may have to navigate a world in which people decide who we are in this way, we don’t have to see ourselves on their terms. This is the freedom earlier feminists fought for.
I, too, think that my gender is the least interesting thing about me and until reading this I’d no idea it was a controversial opinion. Thank you, once again, for making me think about something I was complacently taking for granted.
Your comment will be triggering for some Kizzia, because I think this perspective is often read as entitled, ignoring the challenges faced by women, or somehow living a uniquely privileged existence where they do not touch you.
I agree with your perspective and consider it deeply liberating. Of course you will, like everyone else, have been treated in ways by other people which centre gender as the most important and prescriptive element of who you are. Sometimes these assumptions are unavoidable, unfair, infuriating. Eg once earlyish in my marriage, my mother in law started doing this thing where she would text or tell me if she couldn’t get my husband to do something she wanted him to. She’d tell me to push him to attend things, or call a family member back, or remember a birthday, or other things women are generally expected to do as part of their caring role. There is social pressure to comply with this sort of expectation. It isn’t insignificant.
I told her politely that all this stuff is her son’s job, and that I’m not going to take on this sort of thing on his behalf. If he doesn’t want to call someone back, I respect his choice and am never going to pressure him to do that. She was offended and didn’t really know what to do with my refusal. I could see it had never occurred to her that I might decline to do the things she associated with a woman’s natural inclination and duty.
These choices not to meet gendered expectations are not cost-free, and in the workplace or wherever else, there’s sometimes less choice. But there is some choice, much of the time. The trade off can be fitting in, sadly, but I’ll pay that to keep my self respect and agency, and to avoid resenting people around me!
While reading this, I was thinking of similarities to the gay rights movement in America. Many differences but both share successive waves of winning various rights.
Thank you for this thoughtful post, and also for the chapter in your book, which educated me on different waves of feminism. I am, undoubtedly, a second wave feminist, and treat some later developments with suspicion, seeing them as dangerous cherry-picking. It is ironic that in my research I sometimes end up writing about gender equality (cannot escape an elephant in the room when it lights up in the data), but at the same time, all my professional life I wished that my gender was a non-significant variable. I always wanted to be just a thinking and feeling human being.
I am finding it challenging to know exactly where I stand on this so, as usual, it’s great food for thought. I’ve never really identified as a feminist but more out of lack of exposure / effort. Despite this, I think I have subconsciously absorbed it as the default so that is interesting to consider. I also do find my entire existence coded through the lens of my gender, not only but especially as a mother. I’ve always had the privilege of being comfortable with my gender but struggled with traditional gender roles. I never fit within or without and thankfully my partner has no interest in performing them either. We have a reverse tradition gender role household because that is what feels right for us as individuals. Lots to chew on here, bumping off the edges of a concept I’ve been steeped in so deeply for all of my existence. The audio of these are just brilliant… they always make me laugh - the off the cuff notes, humor and nuance there really give the columns a whole other dimension.
Thanks Orla that’s such lovely feedback!
I will say that I relate to much of what you say here and as a woman who also has felt for most of my life that traditional gender roles and tropes just don’t fit, I really have no choice but to consider my gender the least interesting thing about me. I am absolutely failing to meet gendered expectations in several really key areas of my life - if I cared deeply about gender, that probably either wouldn’t be the case (I’d prioritise meeting these expectations, if resentfully) or I would be utterly miserable in the knowledge that my life does not look how other people expect it to!
I can understand ambivalence about the movement of feminism, I would have to define it for myself before agreeing to be described as one and you make a lot of good points there.
The experience of gender is something different. I have had a visceral reaction every time you've said that gender is the least interesting thing about you, maybe because it feels so dismissive?
I think a lot of women, myself included, find that gender presses on our lives and not in an online discourse sense but in a very physical, burdensome, exhausting way. A lot of this comes from the difference between feminist success in public life and some serious deficits in the private life. Pregnancy and birth in North America bring you face to face with your sex-based differences. It is one thing to have abortion rights, it is another to be treated as a full person with agency in birth or with your newborn.
Parenthood brings into sharp focus that you and your male partner or brothers are not having the same experiences, and that this is expected and accepted by the people around you. Caregiving falls on women and is dismissed by the people around you as a real responsibility or work while you are held to exacting standards. Being primarily responsible for children makes you more vulnerable in your relationship and complicates the dynamic, introducing a real power imbalance into what was an equal partnership.
I work in a caregiving profession, and it is very clear to that there are still complex gendered power structures in place that negatively impact primarily women. Consider which professions receive payment for their education and which are unpaid, fulltime practicums.
I think this obsession with gender and the female experience has come from the vision young women were raised with vs the experience they are having. I used to think that gender was dead and irrelevant and it was something that I wouldn’t engage in. Now I am married, a mother, and a woman in a caregiving profession, I find that gender is everywhere, all the time, and it is used to pull more and more out of me than I am capable of or willing to give. This pressure comes from my family, strangers, society, and as there is real responsibility involved, I can’t always say no or exercise agency. It is almost impossible for someone to acknowledge that their expectations for you are higher and more unreasonable than for themselves or others. It is also apparently impossible for others to recognize that they could lighten your burden by taking on some of it for themselves, or even that you have a burden. The expectation seems to be that your individual self will be swallowed by the needs of everyone around you and that is a-ok.
Since we are post-feminist revolution, it is also not considered to be a real experience, mostly just whining and refusing to be grateful.
I would argue that as women have gained more in public life, it has made being female more complicated and thus, more interesting or relevant. More options, more responsibility, more complexity, more discourse.
I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said Avery. I don’t think anything in the article suggests the challenges you list here don’t exist. And as a woman who is alive on earth I am not in any way immune to them. I don’t live a genderless life.
I think gender is not in itself important. We live in a world which treats it as though it is, though in less restrictive ways than it once did (which is not to say there are no restrictions now). The fact that my statement ‘feels dismissive’ is precisely what I’m exploring in this column. What that feeling means. What it is rooted in, and what we might understand from the complex history of ideas from which it emerges. It can feel dismissive without being dismissive, and I’d argue that’s the case.
A great read and perspective, Laura! The hyper focus on gender and the various other identity labels society vehemently and vociferously insists are the most important thing (and then get so angry when, surprise surprise, we don't fit into the little box of what that thing is supposed to be according to them) is just exhausting and frustrating. I can't tell you the number of times this came up in art school, for example, where over and over we all have to "learn to navigate" what it means to be a "[fill-in-the-blank] artist." Can't we just be.... an artist? Do I have to be a feminist artist or does my work by definition comment on the female experience because I am female? (Spoiler alert: mine didn't)
When reading your essay, I was reminded of Dorothy Sayer's speech "Are Women Human?" You are most likely familiar with it, but I thought I'd give it a shout here. First - it's hilarious and biting, so it can be a particularly delightful read. My biggest takeaway from her points is that, yes categories exist and they are necessary when they are necessary. But they are not relevant all of the time. Use them when they are relevant and ignore them when they are not.
In this regard, your note that gender should be the least important thing about us is spot on! There are times when these things matter and we should be ok talking about those with nuance. But often, these things just don't matter! Are we human or not? Maybe that matters more than anything these days.
I love this Emilie. That’s precisely the point. Identity labels are absolutely asphyxiating when they dictate the entirety of who we were, are, could ever be. There are plenty of instances in life where we should be able to set them aside and just be. I think a guaranteed route to insanity would be a life that never allowed us the freedom to do this.
Others can consider us gender-first every moment of our lives (and will, particularly with women), but while we may have to navigate a world in which people decide who we are in this way, we don’t have to see ourselves on their terms. This is the freedom earlier feminists fought for.
I, too, think that my gender is the least interesting thing about me and until reading this I’d no idea it was a controversial opinion. Thank you, once again, for making me think about something I was complacently taking for granted.
Your comment will be triggering for some Kizzia, because I think this perspective is often read as entitled, ignoring the challenges faced by women, or somehow living a uniquely privileged existence where they do not touch you.
I agree with your perspective and consider it deeply liberating. Of course you will, like everyone else, have been treated in ways by other people which centre gender as the most important and prescriptive element of who you are. Sometimes these assumptions are unavoidable, unfair, infuriating. Eg once earlyish in my marriage, my mother in law started doing this thing where she would text or tell me if she couldn’t get my husband to do something she wanted him to. She’d tell me to push him to attend things, or call a family member back, or remember a birthday, or other things women are generally expected to do as part of their caring role. There is social pressure to comply with this sort of expectation. It isn’t insignificant.
I told her politely that all this stuff is her son’s job, and that I’m not going to take on this sort of thing on his behalf. If he doesn’t want to call someone back, I respect his choice and am never going to pressure him to do that. She was offended and didn’t really know what to do with my refusal. I could see it had never occurred to her that I might decline to do the things she associated with a woman’s natural inclination and duty.
These choices not to meet gendered expectations are not cost-free, and in the workplace or wherever else, there’s sometimes less choice. But there is some choice, much of the time. The trade off can be fitting in, sadly, but I’ll pay that to keep my self respect and agency, and to avoid resenting people around me!
While reading this, I was thinking of similarities to the gay rights movement in America. Many differences but both share successive waves of winning various rights.