A typical definition of loneliness: “Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.” This could be either not enough instances of social connection (which seems to me to be the popular understanding) or something that is perceived to be missing from existing (ample) social connections. “Perceived” is an important qualifier. Among other things, it can include both justified and mistaken beliefs.
I’ve never had a “ best friend “ , the thing that I thought “ all” females had to have . It wasn’t that obvious or important as a primary aged child ( although I did wish that my cousin wanted me for hers, but she chose her much more glamorous and chic cousin on the other side of the family instead) and I had a pony and a dog and a cat and lived in a farm , so I was Ok. I didn’t think I was lonely. As a teenager the girl I thought was my best friend was then snatched by a new girl to my school and it felt like because she was new and from a different country ( England) and everyone ( adults) sort of felt sorry for her and so I was expected to “Share”. But I definitely felt lonely , and the tricky growing up stuff , periods , boyfriends, parents , there wasn’t someone I felt ‘safe talking to and I felt lonely .And this scenario repeated at university, and then again when I started work, until I just accepted I was not someone who had a best friend, and although I could make friends , it wasn’t the same. I self analysed why that was ( I was boring , I had nothing to say, I talked too much, I didn’t really know but thought there was something wrong with me) and decided it was just something about me that meant that no one wanted to be MY friend .So I kind of know what that kind of loneliness feels like . I analysed all my faults but didn’t know what to change to make things be more like what I thought I was supposed to be like to have more friends, a best friend , be more popular etc .
But it’s kind of ok , and I enjoy my own company, and at no point do I feel sorry for myself . I tell myself I am the master of my own happiness , and I either accept the small number of lovely people who are my friends, or I get out there, and make friends with the people I do yoga with, or meet when I’m walking the dogs or ended ip with in other strange places I meet . When I feel the need I make active choices about what I do to meet people I think I can connect with and then can look around me and say, you have friends , you are liked , you are enough xx
This was a really clear eyed investigation of an under appreciated problem in our lives I think. It may have made me realise that I'm a little bit lonely. I don't really have friends but without a clear explanation for this, like emigration. I feel like one of those 19th century parents who didn't have enough children to cover the child mortality. It turns out having a very small number of true friends is fine until you gradually shed them and then are left entirely unsure of how you ever picked them up. Hmmm this came out a little more downbeat then I'd intended. I've plenty of things to be grateful for and a privileged life with a loving family but I guess you can still be a bit lonely in one of those 🤔
Thanks for sharing, Laura. Expats are sometimes teased here about being "Economic Refugees". It costs less than half as much to live here, so there is some truth to the label. While it's a relief to be able to shed the financial worry that comes with living in the U.S. it wouldn't be enough to keep me here unless I enjoyed the culture and people. Many expats live here in order to just afford to live. Sadly, you can see the losses they have suffered in their lifeless eyes. They feel helpless and betrayed by their country. Well, at least they're not joining the tens of thousands of Americans who are now homeless!
I had a similar experience as a teen – my one close friend from high school literally befriended me by force. I'm kinda resigned (pleasantly) to the fact that each era of my life will bring no more than 1 close friend – it always seems to happen instantly and feels that much more precious for the scarcity
Very interesting approach to loneliness .. I for one am lonely as well and I live in a 5 person household. Your definitions and descriptions fit perfectly! Thank you .. I thoroughly enjoy your writing.
I thought that when I sold everything and put my life into a small suitcase and backpack on the way to South America I might experience loneliness. Since I don't speak Spanish I thought that would make it worse.
Because the people of Ecuador are so kind and friendly, I've been able to make friends. My Spanish has improved; my desire to learn a new language forced me to talk with strangers!
One observation I have to make is that things have deteriorated in America so quickly and violently that my "return ship" has been burned for me. This is very sad, but allows me the luxury of not wanting to return every time I run into a challenge. I can't have regrets about leaving my homeland when it literally doesn't exist any more.
Well, gotta go - I'm meeting up with my walking club for some exercise and an hour practicing my Spanish!
You have described much of how I feel at a dinner party or social function. Being surrounded by people heightens the nagging sensation that I do not fully belong. Chit-chat is not a strong suit in my social tool bag.
As far as a small number of friends, it seems that serious calamities along the way clarify who belongs on that short list. I recently had a potential diagnosis that was startlingly ominous (things eventually proved to be fine). At first I pulled back into myself; praying to God and casting my cares upon Him. Then, I felt like sharing my ‘news’ with a few people beyond my spouse. Two I interact with often as we live in the same area. Three were distant. They were some of the life long friends you collect as you stumble along the journey.
There you go - the short list validated once again. Five may not seem like a windfall to many, but it is actually a treasure of incredible value! It proves that even when I feel very alone, it is not reality.
So how do I handle the times of loneliness? Pay attention. There are masses of people walking about, some of them almost like zombies. Reach out, not to find a friend, but to build a connection to another human. Small acts of kindness; moments of letting another person know that there are others who truly care; fellow sojourners who understand is priceless.
Oct 18, 2023·edited Oct 18, 2023Liked by Laura Kennedy
I realise I have no actual friends, Laura; I never have and never understood the whole concept or social norm about it, but I have twin souls; they are far more relatable than the whole facade of having friends in high and low places. It became far more apparent why this is the way it is since I was diagnosed with autism, yet many autistic and allistic people have plenty of friends and are extroverted or vice versa. I have always been my own best friend. I can keep myself entertained for hours in my head and creativity. My false social desirability to collect too many friends over my life phases interfered with that process and dysregulated me into complete overwhelm.
I split myself into multiple pieces daily to accommodate all my 'friends' without accommodating myself, and in that space, I felt even more unseen.
Invisible. I intuitively concealed myself from myself. I now have better intuitive intelligence once I access my unseen, lonely self.
I am grateful for just four twin souls outside my immediate family: my husband, my only son, and my dad. There are fewer opinions and less drama, but I don't deny there are times I feel lonely, too, as a part of my human nature. I have to sit with and become more compassionate with my unseen self. So I do my melancholy, bittersweet, reflective, interoceptive self-regulation. Then I can usually snap myself out of it reasonably quick by drawing the black-out curtains, playing classical music, indulging myself in dog hugs, and reminding myself what burnout actually felt like when I had lots of so-called friends as tokens of social acceptance, like everyone I collected was like a slot machine win, as dehumanising as that makes them sound, many of them were no good for me nor I for them, nobody was going to win. Conflicting alternative perspectives, and many crossroads that could not be navigated with dual empathy due to misunderstanding and miscommunication, so we went in different directions.
I see myself better now and as egotist as it may sound to others because I felt invisible for years, but because of that vision, I am no longer unaware of my own needs or those of others who matter to me most. I see you, too; I relate and am grateful I came across your publication on Substack. I have become invisible and unseen on all social media over the last few years, and it has done me no harm. You can still be seen when you are invisible, too. I may be too old for it all as I head towards my 50s. Keep up the great work, writing philosophically, with a deep sense of the unseen seen self.
So true. It is also sad to find out how difficult it is to continue connecting in a genuine way when you do not have a common context anymore (which is what happens when you move to another country). I lost almost all my friends after I moved to Ireland. Nobody has abandoned anyone on purpose, it just that we don't know what to talk about anymore, because we are not aware of the everyday details of each other's lives. Now I understand why in adolescence we needed to talk to each other every day, even though we have seen each other almost every day. But who has that kind of time as an adult... Social media, with their likes and emojis also harmed real connection online, because people became too lazy to write comments. As a result, the conversation was replaced by the equivalent of us waving to each other across the room. Friendly, but distant, as if we were mere acquaintances.
As your Mortal Enemy On Substack, I do of course see you, in a sophisticated hi-tech round-the-clock surveillance sort of way. But also, this piece is a brilliant bit of unflinching honest writing that will help so many people reading it feel seen, and if I wasn't your enemy, I would clap.
This is a v important definition of loneliness: "Because loneliness can be the absence of any company, sure, but that’s a relatively crude interpretation. Ultimately, loneliness is feeling unseen. It is not no interaction with others, but superficial interaction – the knowledge that you are invisible to one another even as you interact. It is the awareness that one or other of you – maybe both – is conceived by the other as a means to an end rather than an end in itself".
Well done and thank you for wording it so well. I'm lonely, too. In both senses of the word, company-wise and true connection-wise. And it's one of those things I've become v comfortable with saying because I got fed up of how it made me feel to hold true things in, having to put a face on things, appear unbothered in life etc. But, yes, people can find it v unappealing to openly admit these things- part of it, I've noticed, is they get worried it means you'll be needy, clingy etc, rather than just being able to hear it as you merely speaking a fact.
But like with all "unpalatable" (read: please don't say the quiet part out loud because then it makes my farce harder to maintain) feelings, knowing you're lonely is an important thing to at least just be honest about and say out, even if it can't be "rectified" right now. I've understood over time it isn't necessarily something to dive into trying to remedy as soon as you recognise it; it just is like that in life sometimes, with nothing necessarily to be done about it. Plus, the difficult thing about loneliness is it's rarely able to be remedied by forcing it, going down a checklist of things that might alleviate it etc. True and honest things are usually stumbled upon accidentally, and that is definitely true for connection. And, sometimes, you know you're lonely but you also know you don't have it in you in this moment in life to form and maintain connections, even if it would be good and helpful to find something or someone. Cos it also takes conscious and intentional and ongoing effort to maintain the things that alleviate your loneliness, and sometimes that effort is needed elsewhere for the moment. So, you just sort of exist, waiting it out in a way, until it feels time to try again and see what happens. I think people see loneliness as something to immediately tackle, but sometimes all the forcing in the world won't help, and you just have to be lonely, and learn how that feels.
A typical definition of loneliness: “Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.” This could be either not enough instances of social connection (which seems to me to be the popular understanding) or something that is perceived to be missing from existing (ample) social connections. “Perceived” is an important qualifier. Among other things, it can include both justified and mistaken beliefs.
I’ve never had a “ best friend “ , the thing that I thought “ all” females had to have . It wasn’t that obvious or important as a primary aged child ( although I did wish that my cousin wanted me for hers, but she chose her much more glamorous and chic cousin on the other side of the family instead) and I had a pony and a dog and a cat and lived in a farm , so I was Ok. I didn’t think I was lonely. As a teenager the girl I thought was my best friend was then snatched by a new girl to my school and it felt like because she was new and from a different country ( England) and everyone ( adults) sort of felt sorry for her and so I was expected to “Share”. But I definitely felt lonely , and the tricky growing up stuff , periods , boyfriends, parents , there wasn’t someone I felt ‘safe talking to and I felt lonely .And this scenario repeated at university, and then again when I started work, until I just accepted I was not someone who had a best friend, and although I could make friends , it wasn’t the same. I self analysed why that was ( I was boring , I had nothing to say, I talked too much, I didn’t really know but thought there was something wrong with me) and decided it was just something about me that meant that no one wanted to be MY friend .So I kind of know what that kind of loneliness feels like . I analysed all my faults but didn’t know what to change to make things be more like what I thought I was supposed to be like to have more friends, a best friend , be more popular etc .
But it’s kind of ok , and I enjoy my own company, and at no point do I feel sorry for myself . I tell myself I am the master of my own happiness , and I either accept the small number of lovely people who are my friends, or I get out there, and make friends with the people I do yoga with, or meet when I’m walking the dogs or ended ip with in other strange places I meet . When I feel the need I make active choices about what I do to meet people I think I can connect with and then can look around me and say, you have friends , you are liked , you are enough xx
This was a really clear eyed investigation of an under appreciated problem in our lives I think. It may have made me realise that I'm a little bit lonely. I don't really have friends but without a clear explanation for this, like emigration. I feel like one of those 19th century parents who didn't have enough children to cover the child mortality. It turns out having a very small number of true friends is fine until you gradually shed them and then are left entirely unsure of how you ever picked them up. Hmmm this came out a little more downbeat then I'd intended. I've plenty of things to be grateful for and a privileged life with a loving family but I guess you can still be a bit lonely in one of those 🤔
Thanks for sharing, Laura. Expats are sometimes teased here about being "Economic Refugees". It costs less than half as much to live here, so there is some truth to the label. While it's a relief to be able to shed the financial worry that comes with living in the U.S. it wouldn't be enough to keep me here unless I enjoyed the culture and people. Many expats live here in order to just afford to live. Sadly, you can see the losses they have suffered in their lifeless eyes. They feel helpless and betrayed by their country. Well, at least they're not joining the tens of thousands of Americans who are now homeless!
I had a similar experience as a teen – my one close friend from high school literally befriended me by force. I'm kinda resigned (pleasantly) to the fact that each era of my life will bring no more than 1 close friend – it always seems to happen instantly and feels that much more precious for the scarcity
Very interesting approach to loneliness .. I for one am lonely as well and I live in a 5 person household. Your definitions and descriptions fit perfectly! Thank you .. I thoroughly enjoy your writing.
I thought that when I sold everything and put my life into a small suitcase and backpack on the way to South America I might experience loneliness. Since I don't speak Spanish I thought that would make it worse.
Because the people of Ecuador are so kind and friendly, I've been able to make friends. My Spanish has improved; my desire to learn a new language forced me to talk with strangers!
One observation I have to make is that things have deteriorated in America so quickly and violently that my "return ship" has been burned for me. This is very sad, but allows me the luxury of not wanting to return every time I run into a challenge. I can't have regrets about leaving my homeland when it literally doesn't exist any more.
Well, gotta go - I'm meeting up with my walking club for some exercise and an hour practicing my Spanish!
You have described much of how I feel at a dinner party or social function. Being surrounded by people heightens the nagging sensation that I do not fully belong. Chit-chat is not a strong suit in my social tool bag.
As far as a small number of friends, it seems that serious calamities along the way clarify who belongs on that short list. I recently had a potential diagnosis that was startlingly ominous (things eventually proved to be fine). At first I pulled back into myself; praying to God and casting my cares upon Him. Then, I felt like sharing my ‘news’ with a few people beyond my spouse. Two I interact with often as we live in the same area. Three were distant. They were some of the life long friends you collect as you stumble along the journey.
There you go - the short list validated once again. Five may not seem like a windfall to many, but it is actually a treasure of incredible value! It proves that even when I feel very alone, it is not reality.
So how do I handle the times of loneliness? Pay attention. There are masses of people walking about, some of them almost like zombies. Reach out, not to find a friend, but to build a connection to another human. Small acts of kindness; moments of letting another person know that there are others who truly care; fellow sojourners who understand is priceless.
Defeat loneliness by focusing on others.
I realise I have no actual friends, Laura; I never have and never understood the whole concept or social norm about it, but I have twin souls; they are far more relatable than the whole facade of having friends in high and low places. It became far more apparent why this is the way it is since I was diagnosed with autism, yet many autistic and allistic people have plenty of friends and are extroverted or vice versa. I have always been my own best friend. I can keep myself entertained for hours in my head and creativity. My false social desirability to collect too many friends over my life phases interfered with that process and dysregulated me into complete overwhelm.
I split myself into multiple pieces daily to accommodate all my 'friends' without accommodating myself, and in that space, I felt even more unseen.
Invisible. I intuitively concealed myself from myself. I now have better intuitive intelligence once I access my unseen, lonely self.
I am grateful for just four twin souls outside my immediate family: my husband, my only son, and my dad. There are fewer opinions and less drama, but I don't deny there are times I feel lonely, too, as a part of my human nature. I have to sit with and become more compassionate with my unseen self. So I do my melancholy, bittersweet, reflective, interoceptive self-regulation. Then I can usually snap myself out of it reasonably quick by drawing the black-out curtains, playing classical music, indulging myself in dog hugs, and reminding myself what burnout actually felt like when I had lots of so-called friends as tokens of social acceptance, like everyone I collected was like a slot machine win, as dehumanising as that makes them sound, many of them were no good for me nor I for them, nobody was going to win. Conflicting alternative perspectives, and many crossroads that could not be navigated with dual empathy due to misunderstanding and miscommunication, so we went in different directions.
I see myself better now and as egotist as it may sound to others because I felt invisible for years, but because of that vision, I am no longer unaware of my own needs or those of others who matter to me most. I see you, too; I relate and am grateful I came across your publication on Substack. I have become invisible and unseen on all social media over the last few years, and it has done me no harm. You can still be seen when you are invisible, too. I may be too old for it all as I head towards my 50s. Keep up the great work, writing philosophically, with a deep sense of the unseen seen self.
So true. It is also sad to find out how difficult it is to continue connecting in a genuine way when you do not have a common context anymore (which is what happens when you move to another country). I lost almost all my friends after I moved to Ireland. Nobody has abandoned anyone on purpose, it just that we don't know what to talk about anymore, because we are not aware of the everyday details of each other's lives. Now I understand why in adolescence we needed to talk to each other every day, even though we have seen each other almost every day. But who has that kind of time as an adult... Social media, with their likes and emojis also harmed real connection online, because people became too lazy to write comments. As a result, the conversation was replaced by the equivalent of us waving to each other across the room. Friendly, but distant, as if we were mere acquaintances.
As your Mortal Enemy On Substack, I do of course see you, in a sophisticated hi-tech round-the-clock surveillance sort of way. But also, this piece is a brilliant bit of unflinching honest writing that will help so many people reading it feel seen, and if I wasn't your enemy, I would clap.
This is a v important definition of loneliness: "Because loneliness can be the absence of any company, sure, but that’s a relatively crude interpretation. Ultimately, loneliness is feeling unseen. It is not no interaction with others, but superficial interaction – the knowledge that you are invisible to one another even as you interact. It is the awareness that one or other of you – maybe both – is conceived by the other as a means to an end rather than an end in itself".
Well done and thank you for wording it so well. I'm lonely, too. In both senses of the word, company-wise and true connection-wise. And it's one of those things I've become v comfortable with saying because I got fed up of how it made me feel to hold true things in, having to put a face on things, appear unbothered in life etc. But, yes, people can find it v unappealing to openly admit these things- part of it, I've noticed, is they get worried it means you'll be needy, clingy etc, rather than just being able to hear it as you merely speaking a fact.
But like with all "unpalatable" (read: please don't say the quiet part out loud because then it makes my farce harder to maintain) feelings, knowing you're lonely is an important thing to at least just be honest about and say out, even if it can't be "rectified" right now. I've understood over time it isn't necessarily something to dive into trying to remedy as soon as you recognise it; it just is like that in life sometimes, with nothing necessarily to be done about it. Plus, the difficult thing about loneliness is it's rarely able to be remedied by forcing it, going down a checklist of things that might alleviate it etc. True and honest things are usually stumbled upon accidentally, and that is definitely true for connection. And, sometimes, you know you're lonely but you also know you don't have it in you in this moment in life to form and maintain connections, even if it would be good and helpful to find something or someone. Cos it also takes conscious and intentional and ongoing effort to maintain the things that alleviate your loneliness, and sometimes that effort is needed elsewhere for the moment. So, you just sort of exist, waiting it out in a way, until it feels time to try again and see what happens. I think people see loneliness as something to immediately tackle, but sometimes all the forcing in the world won't help, and you just have to be lonely, and learn how that feels.
Anyway, that's my rambling thoughts on loneliness
Seeing you back Laura.